The Big Dipper

I saw my bible in my old room the other day.

A thick layer of dust had accumulated. It looked so pathetic sitting in an untouched room, hastily abandoned almost a year ago. I remember when I used to sit in that same room, pouring over it’s pages in search of answers. After a few months I finally came to the conclusion nothing would persuade God to give me a break. Not the countless Sunday mornings. Not the prayers every night. Not the hours spent in youth groups. The only answer I received was that God isn’t there for me. And I realized I didn’t need to spend all that time to reach that conclusion, my entire life proved it. That realization, accompanied by the sudden distance with my best friends and the loss of Tyler as a best friend, sent me into the downward spiral I only now am recovering from. I find this fact ironic; my childhood failed to stand as the reason for my depression that year. Even more unbelievable, the sight of my own suffering only reignited my dad’s rage, paralleling my own rage with God. I had done everything right: asked for forgiveness for my sins, found my love for God, and sought out the rightous path. Yet the fearful nights that defined my childhood returned, this time accompanied by my understanding of the harsh words spitted at me. I remember that last night before I left. For the first time I looked into his eyes, blazing with anger, with my fear evident in my own. And he stopped. His face fell, tears welled in his eyes, and he backed up. We both just stood there. God didn’t help me, I helped myself. I packed. I left. And I didn’t acknowledge the bible as anything more than a bunch of men’s wild dreams since.

Two great weekends in a row.

Camping was so much freaking fun! Got to see TJ’s goofy side on the way up, he was all embarrassed by it but it was so darn cute. When we got there, went on a little walk and semi checked one off our list. Kinda weird though, had a little mix up that led him to feel like he fucked up. “I love you, and I don’t want to fuck this up.” So I can deal with a moment of pain for all the “I love you’s” to follow. After everything got cleared up, we went back to camp, where everyone had already gone to bed. Kinda awkward. Waking up with him looking at me is the best way to start a day. Went on another walk before they all geared up and headed out to Stony, 85 mile ride. Seeing him in all his gear is like the hottest thing ever. After they left I walked down to the creek with the kids. I was worried they wouldn’t like me, like they didn’t like Jadyn. But they did! Then we sat in one of the RV’s and talked to the mom’s, they relived their prom nights. Then I tried to read a bit of Frankenstein, but I kept dozing off so I went back to the trailer and took a nap. When I woke up the campsite looked dead so I just chilled in the trailer for a bit until I saw Taylor, then went with her over to Leo’s RV and sat with the moms and talked. At which time the boys got back. Covered in dirt. So. Freaking. Hot. They cleaned up, we hung out with the kids for a bit (got covered in “facepaint” and skipped rocks for kisses) and then went to pizza. My stomach was not doing good but I ate through it. Me and TJ talked about a lot of good stuff: our worries, our feelings, etc. TJ drove Sal’s truck home and then we played with the kids until s’mores. A few trips back to the trailer got us ready for a walk. Another weird, frusterating one though. I swore I heard footsteps. I think he got kinda frusterated with me. But, the thing is, if we got caught I would be the bad one. They would associate me with all these bad things and would never trust him with me again. So I get paraniod. We went back and sat at the fire and everything was okay after a bit. Then we went to bed, holding hands and him touching my face. Perfect. I had told him to wake me up when he did, but of course he didn’t. They got ready for another ride and I went with the kids and Leo to the creek to swim right as they left. It was FREEZING but we had fun and I got to work on my tan. We were there for a few hours; when we got back I took a shower and had some lunch. TJ’s mom got back and we just chilled in the trailer until the boys got back. Then I rode. Funnest thing EVER, I felt like I was flying. Had some troubles with the clutch and fell after I crossed the creek, but it was beyond amazing. I can’t wait to go again! And it was awesome to see how TJ handles the bike, it’s just so natural to him. We had a really deep conversation on the way home about UCLA, worries, and past experiences. Even though they were sticky subjects, we could talk about it all and know we’d be better for it. I feel like this weekend brought us even closer, if thats even possible.

Camping with the boyfriend.

We were JUST talking about this too. We are so freaking excited! Its going to be great to get to just be around him for the next few days. I am kinda nervous to meet his riding friends, I don’t know why everything seems SO important when it involves him. It’ll be good though, that’s what I keep telling myself.

The past week has been PERFECT. Literally. Fingers crossed it lasts.

Can’t even think anymore.

A couple hours of doing nothing but hangout and be silly with him and I’m in this trance. I can’t think, can’t do anything but smile. This is insane.

He says he might love me. I guess I’m just afraid “love” to him isn’t as strong as I think of it. I’m still terrified I feel more than him. I don’t even know if it’s love, whatever it is is amazing.

So this is where I’m at, this incredible blissful state of perfection. Waiting expectantly for the storm to roll in and blow it all away.

This weekend made high school worth it.

Saturday was great! Got my hair done, did my makeup, took pictures, rode in the suuuper hot but crackin party bus, danced with the best boyfriend ever, took a 20 minute walk between hotels, layed in the hotel bed and cuddled while everyone partied, slept without freaking out, had an amazing morning, drove to Santa Cruz with Nia, hung out on the beach drinking iced tea, listened to the hobo with the harmonica, got some really good mexican food, hung out in our hotel room, went on the lifeguard tower at night and watched the waves, went back to the hotel and passed out, woke up and checked out, got a piggy back ride from Sloppy D, went to the beach, dealt with Zach getting drunk, played Never Have I Ever, hung out, headed home, got Taco Bell, went to TJ’s for three hours, talked about mushy things and our Tree of Love, acted like complete dorks, went to my car to fool around, and had a really deep talk about me drinking. This weekend was perfect.

Today was so spectacular.

Parked in the student lot, so convenient.
Got some major studying done in first period, so stress-relieving.
Did nothing in Government, so relaxing.
Took my last AP Exam ever, so exciting.
Had sex with TJ for the first time, so amazing.
Went on the NCS bus to the game, so hilarious.
Awkwardly avoided TJ’s entire extended family, so awkward.
Constant eye contact on the bus ride home, so cute.
Laying in bed talking to him, so tired.

So perfect <3